 | n i t i n on Time Again. |
| n i t i n on The Shoe Age. |
 | Hari on Time Again. |
 | Merlyn on The Shoe Age. |
| n i t i n on Vee are the World. |
This time I froze. She was looking into my eyes; staring as if it were my waist lines. But they weren’t. I was too busy in thought to answer her query, for she had asked me what had happened. I knew the answer, but I couldn’t tell her. My language suddenly got a limited tag, my vocabulary shunted out like those cheap resistor boxes did in my school labs. But that’s that.
It was on a perfectly bright morning, some day at school, it was 1996 perhaps, that I first saw him.
Five minutes into it and he was lost. She looked at him. The moment their eyes met, she turned away. She was a gutsy girl, but whenever she found him staring at her, something inflated her off all that. And that very moment, she felt she was nothing but a small baby girl longing for her father’s warmth. But she longed for his. Her every movement started to feel guilt-prone, something was pulling her to it; nevertheless, something was pulling her to him. It’s then that she felt happy, and sad, all at the same time. It was defying all her logic, and denting her intelligence, but something was pulling her towards it.
He thought to he was impermeable, he thought nothing would ever affect him, he thought he was free from all the urges of life. Until that day. He sat there, staring. Her beauty, was affecting him, even to a point that it was hurting him. He never knew what went through her mind. They were so different, so very opposite, but he felt that connection. It was like achieving a whole, man’s search to completion. And they so very well complemented each other.
She held his arms so tight that he even doubted she’d break it into two. “I can’t control myself, I want a hug.” He looked at her in awe. He loved being dominated. But, the look in her eyes… he hugged her, and then just like that kissed her on the lips. She jumped up from her seat. That very second, he was expected something bad, but it didn’t happen. She looked down to him, and bit her lips. Then a smile. His life force retuned to him. And then just like that she kissed him back. This time, it was tight, long one, and on the cheeks. He didn’t mind. He loved every moment of it.
“I love you”, he said. Just then he noticed…she was in tears. She hugged him tight n said, “Oh, I didn’t want this to happen, I wanted to fight you, not love you more, now I’ll miss you even more. It pains. I hate you. I hate you.” He looked at her and smiled. Her eyes said everything. She loved him more than anything in this world. They were in love, and nothing else.
***
“And so there I stood, looking into the horizon. What I was searching for was the same thing I wanted in my life. A break. But then I somehow came to the horrifying conclusion that neither the horizon, nor my life would ever have that. It’s always continuous, and one event would lead to another and so on, just like the continual unending water meniscus before me. It has even come to a point where I have to test my mental integrity. But that didn’t happen till Vee said it. She said she loved me. I was shocked at first, but then under my brotherly figure, I wanted to hear that anyway. So in short, I was in relief that I didn’t have to feel guilty of my thoughts anymore. Vee was one girl who was always there in my life. She had a crush on me from the very beginning, and I just blew it with that brotherly dialogue of mine. I didn’t realize then, how I would have wounded her. But now I know… that was one deep cut in her. Vee won’t ever admit it anyway. But then when she said that in my face, I could see her eyes. They were strong, and they told me whatever she didn’t want to tell me. That is, she still is. But then, she knew all my stories. She used to sympathize, yet always compare her to whoever I fell for, and then draw a conclusion that she wasn’t that good. But reality was far more different. That’s why I wanted her to be always with me, by my side. But just like life’s stupid games, came a day, when I looked into her eyes, n saw that strength in her, that she mastered to tell me the truth, so that I may know it before it’s too late. But just right after, at that millisecond, she started doubting herself. That very instant, I realized I was the late one. And she had gone. Just like everyone else. Leaving me alone in this world. And now I’m staring at the deep blue ocean trying to derive the reason for my condition. May be I shouldn’t have told it. Maybe I moved in too fast. Maybe, it’s worth a wait, just like how the shore waits for the same wave to kiss it again…”
And so went his diary. I could see myself as one big asshole to read it. It was full of him and just him only. But I could see myself in it…in a way. Drifting away from the ones who loved you was always easy. It’s getting them back that was the pita. Wait! Wait a second! I know this Vee! That’s when I realized. It was her… It was her all along. My brother fancied her, but I hadn’t known. So stupid of me! OMG! They loved each other so much… and yet they parted. And everything else was just a lie, one big lie! Now I understand why they cannot face each other now… after all these years, they still are in love… Why big brother, how did all this happen?? How come you both aren’t together! How come you both punished yourselves like this! Why??
Maybe, life wasn’t that simple. I shouldn’t ask. But I must find out. So I turned to the next page…
There was this really innocent girl. But then, she was sweet, and gorgeous. To be really honest, she wasn’t a bitch. But then, maybe that was the reason why her guys always used her. Maybe, that’s the reason she had to learn everything the hard way. But then, the important fact is that, she learned to live. Everyone loved her, but they all took her for granted. And now, after all these years, she found herself a guy, someone, who she could relate to, on each n every point of her life. He loved her. She loved him. But she knew this wouldn’t happen. He knew that too. Even with all the pain he had been through, he had finally found that one person, how could he let her go? But she couldn’t risk giving him more of the suffering. She knew what he had been through. Maybe, she had been there too. At some point of time, she knowingly sacrificed her sense of losing him, over the fact that their inevitable separation, which will chance only years later, would end in more pain that they could take. But nothing is inevitable here. Everything can change. But she loves him. He loves her. And their families love them. The only fact that separates them is what the society had made, in an effort to glorify everything.
It may sound silly. But it’s a serious issue nevertheless. And the way it is now, all of these seem like impervious dykes they cannot pass. Of course, their love is strong enough to emotionally cut down such a barriers, which they have done long back, by falling in love in the first place. But as far as practicality is concerned, there are serious issues to be addressed. She is lost… he is lost. But they are two souls in love. It’s the future that’s uncertain, and it’s the society that’s the hurdle. They can’t be another Romeo-Juliet in all this, for they have grown out of that age-old romances long ago. But then, all this changes nothing. They are in love. They’ll always be in love. It’s the bond between them, that is too strong for any reason like this to break, but being a couple, to live their love with each other, seems so very far away. He cannot run from it like this forever, he knows. And she cannot stand the fact that it is what it is. They so badly want to be together. Each day they talk, they are drawn closer and closer to each other, and each second they don’t see or hear from each other, they tend to love each other more n more. This has landed them in a total complicated situation where they are in love; they want to be with each other, but at the end, after all this (they think) they know it will not happen. How ironic life turned out to be!
At times you think you know a lot of things. But then those are times… just times… at the end of it, you blandly realize the fact that You are more wrong than How wrong you expected yourself to be. Human relationships are like human beings. They are never certain, Hollow at times, and at times, totally reason-void. Now with my rep-sheet, you might be wondering if this is one of those posts, but no, This is a totally different one. I assure you that part at the least. But then to come to think of it from the surface itself, you can see crystal clear to where I’m going. Okay, lets cut the intro part on this one to only this much.
In my 19 years of life, I’ve met a lot of people. But then to come to think of it, only few remain as constants, both in the case of friendship and in the case of acquaintances. o which point I’ve realized that, there are some people who we meet, and when we come in contact with them, we somehow know where we are with them. It’s not like a normal relationship building thing, where the first impression, or the lasting impression decides everything. To those people, There is no need of the “impressing them” part. All they are interested is in your true self, and vice avers.
It’ll be so damn clear about where they stand in our lives. There’ll be no confusion, there’ll be no “That’s Complicated” terminology and there will be No answer for the question… “What is your relation with him/her?” Of-course, we come up with satisfactory answers for ourselves n unsatisfactory ones for the general people, who seem so hollow in their WYSIWYG attitude. But then at the end of the day, Impressing the crowd doesn’t matter, until unless you are some celebrity with a decent fan following.
Here is where I confess. I’m smart enough to know what people think of me, and even smarter enough to know how to ignore them. But then, the only thing that pains me is the fact that the people I ignore think I’m totally clueless about the shit they are throwing at me. Yeah, I know the whole idea of my ignorance is ironic, but then That lil fact, I just cant ignore.
Now to the practical part. To be honest, I’m just 19 and I don’t want to think about my future love-life. Of-course, I’m a lil concerned about my education n all, but then I don’t mix n drive… Its only when someone asks you in the face about the former, will you realize you are at a total baseless point. That time, I choose to ignore reality altogether and warp to my dreamworld. And that’s how I’m still together, in one piece.
From a point where there is no reason, why do we always have to drag ourselves to a place where you have to justify your past, present n future? And even worse, is it even worth it? Why can’t we just dream on, follow our own instincts, n get there when we get there. I’m siting an example: Why are we so worried about the prospective relative conflicts that may occur from some marriage that may happen some 6 years later(definitely not hoping for it), when we are totally in love with each other? Is it even a reason to move on, by stopping what is going on strong, and without any particular reason, just because there’ll be some shit happening if whatever happens the way we are postulated? “If” “What If”.. Are these words totally deciding where we are going? And the worst part is, due to all this shit, we try to make up reasons for which there are no reasons. “I don’t know. I love you so very much. But then at the end of it, We both know it wont work out. And at that point, we would have grown real close to each other like inseparable souls. And if we try to separate us then due to this reason, we may both be ending up in disaster n pain… So lets move on… But then I miss you.” Maybe its my shit attitude towards practicality and “If” at times, but can anyone explain to me why I should do whatever that’s supposed to be done, rather than do what I want? Can’t I ever do what my heart feels like? Why should I let my fcking brain override the shit outta it? Maybe we’ll hurt ourselves if at all it comes. But then Why can’t we love each other till it chances, if at all it comes to that point in the first place?
Ohkay… this is one way of seeing it. But it’s not always this relationship that’s in question. Various others too. Why should practicality ever ruin what is good now? And Why are we letting it ruin it and our happiness? When did all of us become so self-centered, to only think of ourselves in the future? Why can’t we make our dreams, both emotional and the rest as our goals, and try to achieve them, for which we have to be successful in the first place.
What I’m trying to say is… Why can’t we extend our dreams beyond the materialistic bit, ’cause suppose we reach all that we dream of like that and achieve all of that, wouldn’t there be something still missing? Why cant we prioritize those things, so that we’ll jump the hurdles n reach there, rather than making the second last hurdle the finish line? This was one message “Love Aaj Kal” gave, beyond the surface plot n message. And almost every soul missed it. Hope you got what I wanted to tell you from this panoply of rabidness.
Maybe it wont happen, maybe it can’t happen… Maybe you know that.
But then its still a “Maybe”…
I was born a pessimist. It was quite natural… even though I was the elder one, I had realized long time back, that I would grow at a real slower pace than my younger blood, and soon he would be all over me one day. Seems like that time has finally arrived. We guys always had our fights n all, but then there was this level of difference between us, which were the reason for most of those really crude action packed fight-sequences…but as he bridged the gap between us, sometime along the line, he became an equal, and now a maybe more mature guy, we started getting along real well. But then, that’s what I always wanted. I was never an elder-bro material. Look at me!! I’m still a kid, acting more on instinct than intelligence.
All these above not-so-relevant-to-any-of-you lines are to stress my first point: And I know that the pessimist always stays in me. I always expected the worse, but instead of daring to face it, I ran away. And look where I reached now. Apparently nowhere.
I was so confused with my life, so disgusted with all that happened to me, and cursing each n everyone on the way, it had even come to that point where I doubted the absolute point of my existence. But then I met a more larger than life pessimist! 
Her pessimism made mine seem like that of a salt molecule in the Indian ocean. But that’s precisely how she made me think differently. Apparently her pessimism forced me to view everything with a hope in it. It was not like the girl-trying-to-change-the-guy thing. She always respected my individuality, and I loved hers. But I somehow changed myself for her in an unconscious manner. I even got back to listening Hinder after a real long time! And I’m somehow enjoying the music as well!
I was totally at the endpoint when I met her. She dragged me back up to my game, but I’m still that trashed low-life I was. So if she suddenly disappears one day… I just wont be able to bear it! Of-course she does give me hard times with her fail-proof pessimism when she totally narrates prospective incidents that end in her death! And there were times when I even have my heart in my mouth!! Yeah, that was her alright! My bestEST friend till now and forever! 
But even then at times my pessimism took over. It scared me for like the first time in my life! But then somehow she always used her charisma over me, and I would become this real toddler in front of her, and she like a sweet lady, would pour all that motherly affection on me. Soon I get saturated, and start crossing lines like any other arse-hole! At that time my brain reduces to the size of that of a mosquito, only to drink her blood, but she gave it willingly as well… 
which is precisely why I’m feeling all the more guilty now!
I always forget my place n screw things up big-time, especially with my totally perverted grey matter. But after all that good that has happened to me in the past two-three weeks, It seems I’ll hit the block soon. God, I’ve never asked you anything in this world till now… If you are up there, can you just do something to help this buddy of yours out, please? Something like, tadah! and every-thing’s okay… something like that? ‘coz if things go the way that I fear it will be, then soon I’ll fall. This time, into oblivion, to somewhere where no-one can ever again get me back from. Athu sambhavichaal pinne vverum bore aayirikkum. And All her work will go waste, and that’s the last thing I’ll want now.
That night she couldn’t sleep. Maybe she was sleeping all these years, and had woken up only now. But she woke up to nothing more than a sense of loneliness. The air was cold, but she didn’t shiver. Not even one bit. She had lost her chill, and felt the warmth already… traversing from point to point through isotherms, decapitating any laws of thermodynamics and meteorology that were left in the scope of her intellect. But she didn’t mind. She was never lonely, ever in her life, never before. But that night, she couldn’t find peace. She wanted to share, her life, her soul, everything, but she was alone. How ironic the world makes itself seem. One second it puts you in a cradle surrounded by care and the next second, you are to be self-employed man, sometimes an employed man under some self-employed man, selling your own worth for peanuts.
But Tyler had it all figured out. He was a complete man. Girls died over him, and there was always one with him to bed. He wore shades, dressed like a celebrity, but all he did was rob… rob someone of his car, rob someone of his condo, but more, rob someone of his own self. He never hesitated to kill, he was fearless, and he kicked ass like Sly Stallone in the 90s’. But then, to think he was another person was out of the question. He was you, and me, your father, your best friend, your brother, your lover, he was everyone, and still was no-one. He was everywhere but nowhere. *Snap!* Here’s how our story begins!
Maybe all she wanted was the comfort of a guy, all he wanted was material. He was cold, and he was a bastard! But then just like that she changed him. She changed him to something totally contradicting Tyler’s whole existence. He was a new man. He was T.
T wanted to love Leah, but he wasnt strong enough to take pain. Still he was innocent enough. So he loved her. And she loved him. And they loved each other. But they had to part one day. And that day was a year ago.
So today, she was awake, but was he? Maybe she loved him too much, ‘cos after they parted they had made a promise… a promise to see each other. Did he forget? How could he? Was she just a puppet… just another one of Tyler’s playthings… or did she actually change him to T. But she believed. She believed in T. And so she didnt feel the cold in her skin. Her hair didnt rise when the cold wind blew over her naked skin… maybe it was because she had waxed herself to perfection, maybe…
She did not have one drop of tear on her face, but he had. Looking down to her, he couln’t bear to see her in pain. But he was happy for her. Atleast she didnt know he was gone, and to never come back. That would have broken her to pieces, and he never wanted her to feel pain. He had promised her that. But his fate was done with. The Shinigami had written his fate in his Deathnote that very day they parted. And so he watched, as he tried to reach her, and hug her. And so she felt warm.
The End. Or is it?
As you already know, there has been news of KSEB(Kerala State Electricity Board/Kill Se Electric Bitch) of turning to the private sector, to become a company of its own. (Phew! finally!) Yeah, I know the bills will suck, but atleast we will get less blackouts n shit…hopefully! But then my UPS has been bugging me for some time now… some 20 seconds into backup, its already in Overload.
Fly You Fools – Indian Comics about Life.
Ah. There was a time when living my life the way I want was the least of my concerns. Maybe I was happy then. Or happier. Then I lost my virginity to Life.
That time I thought it was for the best, and so never tried to react to it the way I usually do. But then one day, everything fell apart simultaneously. Thats the day I exploded, literally. But then what is gone, is gone. And now as I stand one year since that, I look back to see how retarded the whole thing was.
Most of the damage was done via posts on this page, so I can’t get to blame anyone else other than me, for all that shit. Then there were readers who flocked in for a scoop, who finally got disgusted at the whole issue. Then college, which was shittier than ever, fucked up torture, politics, fight, In class brawls,… yeah, it was filled with retarded shit… All I want to do now is close the chapter, and to which not-blogging is not an option. But my recent behavioral patterns taken into account, I can see some progress, from what which was one of the most mentally disturbing scenarios in my life.
Oh fuck! Who am I crapping?
The point is, I have no regrets, just because some people made that sure I don’t feel any. And I just feel I should thank em now.
And yeah, now I feel like caring for myself again, been looking after me, and spotting a less retarded face now. Maybe I feel happy now. Maybe someone else has given me the hope, yet again. And this time, it was strong enough to teleport me inter-polarily through my emotional status.Something good has been chancing with me of late, sporadically, and now my urge to live life has come back, if not temporarily.
Maybe this was the break I needed after all…
Yes. Tagged myself from Fantasia.
1. Last beverage – Tea, Strong and High on Lather
2. Last phone call- Birly
3. Last text message – Birly… 
4. Last song you listened to – A tout le monde.
5. Last time you cried – Can’ remember, but sometime recent though.
HAVE YOU EVER..
6.Dated someone twice? – No
7. Been cheated on? – Maybe, from my pov, Yes.
8. Cried yourself to sleep? – Yes, lots of times…
9. Lost someone special? – Yes.
10. Been depressed? – Don’t know. Went berserk one fine day over nothing though…
11. Seen ghosts – No.
12.LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS.
Green, Red, White.
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU
15.Made new friends – Yes, I think so…
16. Fallen out of love – Definitely.
17. Laughed until you cried – Yes. Quite literally though.
18. Met someone who changed you – No.
19. Found out who your true friends were – Yes.
20. Found out someone was talking about you – Yes, many a time…
21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list – Yes.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life ? –Maybe a hundred, I guess…
23. How many kids do you want to have –Three. To hell with family planning!
24. Do you have any pets – Panthera leo, An African Indian crossbred.
25. Do you want to change your name – No.
26. What did you do for your last birthday – Pre-exam day. Scored some frags in Counter Strike.
27. What time did you wake up today – 7. 05 am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night – Snoring over my Graphics text.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for – Finish with B.Tech.
30. Last time you saw your father – Day before yesterday.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life – Well… later..
32. What are you listening to right now – My seniors joking about some girl who wants to get married somehow…
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom – yes— Nirmal Tom Thomas
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? The fuckin mousepad of this laptop…
36. Whats your real name –Nitin SJ
37. Relationship Status – Single, and Open.
38. Zodiac sign – Taurus.
39. Male or female – Male
40. Natural Hair color? – Black
41. Hair color now – black..kind of…
42. Pet Peeve – Girls getting the idea that I’m “into” them. And many more…
43. Need Glasses- No.
44. Long or short – height- Tall enough for my survival, hair- Going Long.
45. Height – 5′7”
46. Do you have a crush on someone – No. Not now.
47. What do you like about yourself? – I am can give a hand at things… I can sketch, freehand.
48. Piercings – Not yet.
49. Tattoos – Yes, thinking of one…
50. Righty or lefty – Can do stuff with both, but a righty by practise.
FIRSTS.
51. First surgery – None so far.
52. First piercing – Not yet.
53. First tattoo – -ditto-
54. First best friend – Vipin
55. First sport you joined – Sprint.
56. First pet – A kitten, my bro christened it Kitty.
57. First vacation – Kodiakanal, with family, when I was One or something..
59. First crush- Anurag
60. First alcoholic drink – Beer, Warsteiner…
RIGHT NOW.
61. Eating – Choco-chip cookie
62. Wearing – An army three-fourth, and a sleeveless tee.
63. I’m about to –go chatting, now that I’m done with sem end exams.
64. Speaking to – that senior dude, who wants his lap back…
65. Waiting to –have some tequila, hopefully.
66. Want kids? – Not now.
67. Want to get married? – No.
68. Careers in mind? – Nothing now.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
69. Lips or eyes – eyes
70. Hugs or kisses – XOXO. Both.
71. Shorter or taller- Taller, a lil bit, or too short.
72. Older or Younger – Younger
73. Romantic or spontaneous – Spontaneous
74. Nice stomach or nice arms – Both.
75. Tattoos or piercings- Piercings.
76. Sensitive or loud- Sensitive…
77. Hook-up or relationship – Relationship that involved a satisfactory hook-up.
78. Trouble maker or hesitant-Tm!
HAVE YOU EVER.
79. Kissed a stranger – Yes…
80. Drank hard liquor – Not yet.
81. Lost glasses/contacts –I don’t wear glasses, lost some contacts when my old phone blew up though…:D
82. Sex on first date – Depends.
83. Broken someone’s heart – Hell yeah…
84. Had your own heartbroken – Yes.
85. Been arrested?- Just a lil…
86. Turned someone down – Yes.
87. Cried when someone died – No.
88. Got someone into trouble intentionally – Hahaha.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN.
89. Yourself – At times, a lil over.
90. Miracles – Yes.
91. Love at first sight – Yes. But it seems it’ll soon wear off…
92. Heaven – on Earth, No. Up there—No…
93. Santa Claus – No..
94. Kissing on the first date? – Yes.
95. Angels – No…
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? – Yes.
97. Had more than one boyfriend/ girlfriend at one time? – Yes.
98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever? – Depends.
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without? – My sisters, and my family.
100. Posting this as 100 truths? – Yeah, you can say that…
