radicalshit.

At times you think you know a lot of things. But then those are times… just times… at the end of it, you blandly realize the fact that You are more wrong than How wrong you expected yourself to be. Human relationships are like human beings. They are never certain, Hollow at times, and at times, totally reason-void. Now with my rep-sheet, you might be wondering if this is one of those posts, but no, This is a totally different one. I assure you that part at the least. But then to come to think of it from the surface itself, you can see crystal clear to where I’m going. Okay, lets cut the intro part on this one to only this much.

In my 19 years of life, I’ve met a lot of people. But then to come to think of it, only few remain as constants, both in the case of friendship and in the case of acquaintances. o which point I’ve realized that, there are some people who we meet, and when we come in contact with them, we somehow know where we are with them. It’s not like a normal relationship building thing, where the first impression, or the lasting impression decides everything. To those people, There is no need of the “impressing them” part. All they are interested is in your true self, and vice avers.

It’ll be so damn clear about where they stand in our lives. There’ll be no confusion, there’ll be no “That’s Complicated” terminology and there will be No answer for the question… “What is your relation with him/her?” Of-course, we come up with satisfactory answers for ourselves n unsatisfactory ones for the general people, who seem so hollow in their WYSIWYG attitude. But then at the end of the day, Impressing the crowd doesn’t matter, until unless you are some celebrity with a decent fan following.

Here is where I confess. I’m smart enough to know what people think of me, and even smarter enough to know how to ignore them. But then, the only thing that pains me is the fact that the people I ignore think I’m totally clueless about the shit they are throwing at me. Yeah, I know the whole idea of my ignorance is ironic, but then That lil fact, I just cant ignore.

Now to the practical part. To be honest, I’m just 19 and I don’t want to think about my future love-life. Of-course, I’m a lil concerned about my education n all, but then I don’t mix n drive… Its only when someone asks you in the face about the former, will you realize you are at a total baseless point. That time, I choose to ignore reality altogether and warp to my dreamworld. And that’s how I’m still together, in one piece.

From a point where there is no reason, why do we always have to drag ourselves to a place where you have to justify your past, present n future? And even worse, is it even worth it? Why can’t we just dream on, follow our own instincts, n get there when we get there. I’m siting an example: Why are we so worried about the prospective relative conflicts that may occur from some marriage that may happen some 6 years later(definitely not hoping for it), when we are totally in love with each other? Is it even a reason to move on, by stopping what is going on strong, and without any particular reason, just because there’ll be some shit happening if whatever happens the way we are postulated? “If” “What If”.. Are these words totally deciding where we are going? And the worst part is, due to all this shit, we try to make up reasons for which there are no reasons. “I don’t know. I love you so very much. But then at the end of it, We both know it wont work out. And at that point, we would have grown real close to each other like inseparable souls. And if we try to separate us then due to this reason, we may both be ending up in disaster n pain… So lets move on… But then I miss you.” Maybe its my shit attitude towards practicality and “If” at times, but can anyone explain to me why I should do whatever that’s supposed to be done, rather than do what I want? Can’t I ever do what my heart feels like? Why should I let my fcking brain override the shit outta it? Maybe we’ll hurt ourselves if at all it comes. But then Why can’t we love each other till it chances, if at all it comes to that point in the first place?

Ohkay… this is one way of seeing it. But it’s not always this relationship that’s in question. Various others too. Why should practicality ever ruin what is good now? And Why are we letting it ruin it and our happiness? When did all of us become so self-centered, to only think of ourselves in the future? Why can’t we make our dreams, both emotional and the rest as our goals, and try to achieve them, for which we have to be successful in the first place.

What I’m trying to say is… Why can’t we extend our dreams beyond the materialistic bit, ’cause suppose we reach all that we dream of like that and achieve all of that, wouldn’t there be something still missing? Why cant we prioritize those things, so that we’ll jump the hurdles n reach there, rather than making the second last hurdle the finish line? This was one message “Love Aaj Kal” gave, beyond the surface plot n message. And almost every soul missed it. Hope you got what I wanted to tell you from this panoply of rabidness.

Maybe it wont happen, maybe it can’t happen… Maybe you know that.

But then its still a “Maybe”…

Yet another bites the Dust…

Ah. There was a time when living my life the way I want was the least of my concerns. Maybe I was happy then. Or happier. Then I lost my virginity to Life.

That time I thought it was for the best, and so never tried to react to it the way I usually do. But then one day, everything fell apart simultaneously. Thats the day I exploded, literally. But then what is gone, is gone. And now as I stand one year since that, I look back to see how retarded the whole thing was.

Most of the damage was done via posts on this page, so I can’t get to blame anyone else other than me, for all that shit. Then there were readers who flocked in for a scoop, who finally got disgusted at the whole issue.  Then college, which was shittier than ever, fucked up torture, politics, fight, In class brawls,… yeah, it was filled with retarded shit… All I want to do now is close the chapter, and to which not-blogging is not an option.  But my recent behavioral patterns taken into account, I can see some progress, from what which was one of the most mentally disturbing scenarios in my life.

Oh fuck! Who am I crapping?

The point is, I have no regrets, just because some people made that sure I don’t feel any. And I just feel I should thank em now.

And yeah, now I feel like caring for myself again, been looking after me, and spotting a less retarded face now. Maybe I feel happy now. Maybe someone else has given me the hope, yet again. And this time, it was strong enough to teleport me inter-polarily through my emotional status.Something good has been chancing with me of late, sporadically, and now my urge to live life has come back, if not temporarily.

Maybe this was the break I needed after all…

The Shoe Age.

Yes. Shoes, Chappals, Sandals, Sneakers, Boots, all of em used to feature on our feet some time in the past. But ever since dear Muntazer al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist…yep, the guy who has a cult following now, threw his polished leather at Bush, we Indians have so interestingly followed it up with our share.

The general elections yet again saw two useless powers battling it out for a kursee. As the ads say, they are Baajaapaa and YuvaShatti. With Yuvashatti’s hot favourite youngster said he wasnt’ mature enough to become PM, we are forced to think if he is any good in bed either, with a girl that is. If he didnt admit anything of that sort. maybe there was chance of him winning… poor chap, lacks a political brain eh?  And poor Singh got the Shoe hurling this time. Apparently, the shoe did not reach him, and so he ‘pardoned’ the young dude who did it. Whoo! what a generosity!! Daag dene padenge!

And the scores are not levelled. Baajaapaa supremo, who will might well be defeated by a dancing queen in his constistency, i.e. only if the people in that consistency have some grey matter in their heads(Its North, so I doubt it really!), has a record of two shoes, no wait, or were they Chappals? Apparently the guys who threw were dropouts. There’s something you learn in Physics, called Projectile motion, as both chappals fell short of the old bloke by a kilometer!!

But the chappal race is not over as it seems. Gujarat seems to need much better scores in this game.

But I disagree on the treatment they give the shoeflingers. I thought our Constitution preamble read as India to be a

“…SOVEREIGN SOCIALIST SECULAR DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens:JUSTICE, social, economic and political;

LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship;

EQUALITY of status and of opportunity;

and to promote among them all

FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual and the unity and integrity of the Nation…”

In that case, it is not fair to plead them guilty for shoe flinging. Lets be logical. You can’t blame them as they never disrespected any respected national leader like Mahatma Gandhi or Bhagat Singh… They just did that to yet another guy on the street who thinks he is a hotshot. So thats not a crime. And for the shoe hitting them..What the F are the security for? Since almost all of em are not worthy to be assassinated or anything, its better they start catching shoes… and its the shoes to be blamed and the one who had the shoe hurling up to them of whose activity had eventually started this dramarama, not the source of the shoe, or the chappal for that matter!!

Lord save the King and Queen(of Travancore that is). God bless Kerala. Mera Bharat Mahan!

Fly you!!

I’ve been a Random reader for quite some months now. It all started at the Kottayam Railway station, which is a bloody boring place… and then there was Random! Ever since there has been a copy of Random on almost every train journey I made… and with good reason!

And it also features this comic strip thats a lil too over the top… so here’s the latest of their strips…

Fly You Fools – Indian Comics about Life.

Yeah right!

Guilt free pass.

Yes, my pointless existence will enter its 20th year this May, and It’s high time I did a quick rewind on every uninteresting crap through these 19 years of nothingness. But before I blab out all that crap of a public platform, lemme tell you about my recent findings.

Eventually my Learner’s License ran out yet again, as I continually fail to get my lazy arse to the Driver’s test ground every such day. But then with the Helmet, and at times the Seat Belt, It’s equivalent to having a License in Trivandrum city. It’s been kinda 2 to 3 years I’ve been doing this, and I never had to go behind the ’steel bars of enlightenment’.

Then again, yesterday there comes a ‘doctor’s’ message that Diarrhea is hereditary…just because it runs in your Jeans! And for all those hardcore IPL fans out there to cheer for King Khan’s team, He has no problem with his Left hand, Its just a Manish Malhotra ‘Oh…I look fractured, so dont desert me my fans!’ accessory..A sympathy raincloud!! Just look closely at his deer-eating promo! And where is the PETA this time??

I know that most girls get so annoyed by my writing that they make issues out of it…even sell their crotch to get rid of me. But no one can make me stop! I’m invincible! Muhaha! Remember the pink top I pissed off last time. But that actually was my balls speaking. I did go on to be a nice guy, do the puppy eyes, and ask for forgiveness. After that, that issue went into my trash.

Pretending to be the nice guy was the hardest thing I ever did. And that has eventually become a habit I guess. My first impression is always good…n  i just don’t know why!! Then eventually they find out that I am a sadistic f^ckface who just wants aesthetic satisfaction from gore. But that’s not my fault either. I’ve put that out as disclaimers all over, even on the right hand side of this page..see! And its your right hand not mine!!

Then there were all these sex comedies all over the place. that prompted every bloke to bone the very next pink thing in his proximity. Then came Wolverine, Transformers, and Narnia! There was this South Park episode last month or so, about the Jonas Brothers 3d Concert, and unlike their fag performances which make every cunt dry, this episode was worth watching. It even had Mickey Mouse!! Beat that you fag heads!

And I still hate coffee. Now you can see why there is so much information in his page. I am a f^ckin genius!! Bow down to my awesomeness or I’ll have you skullf^ckd by a vampiric labrador!

And yes, all this has nothing what-so-ever to do with the title!

**************************************

Okay, so I have drifted off the topic by a lil bit. But that doesnt spoil your tolerance value in any way no? What say you puny humanoid robots?

BLACK and WHITE : part 4

<Part 3

Chapter 4 : The Firefly

Well. Given the current state of events and the kind of feedback I’m getting, some of you, yes some of you think I’ll grow out to write something better and worthwhile to read one fine day. Duh! But hate to disappoint you folks, coz that just won’t happen. Not today.

Panacea. That’s the right word. Yep, that’s what you all want, that’s what everyone, the whole goddamn world wants. One word that solves everything; But I don’t think it’s going to end anything…anything at all… because it just isn’t good enough!

It all started at school. For me Loyola, my second home, the place I miss the most now. Yes, I’m a Loyolite for life, and proud to be one. Looking at the schooling I was offered, I should have been much more now, but then I would be totally in the honest of lights when I say Loyola made me. It developed me to what I am now. But to the dismay of many others and me, the development ended there. I couldn’t carry it forward. I’m trying to, desperately though.

Life was easy then. Way easier. No worries, no guilt, just Black n White awesomeness filling a campus with dry sarcasm to eternal friendships.  Aah! From Crown caps to Football to ‘hack’ girls, it was a kickass journey; a dream lived, and so dearly missed. I wish I shouldn’t have had to grow out of it. Something, that remote something, that still keeps me going, are live memories of everything we had in these 13 years.

They feel so godly now, something unattainable; something that would never chance in this life span ever again. I was the one who usually had stories, a hell lot, most of ‘em made up, to creative perfectionism that is. Now life feels less a fairy tale and more something that is absolute. Someplace, where worthless souls in even more worthless bodies are put there because they have to live, and not because they want to.

Life has become all too serious now. Responsibilities, Material aims, Conditional Bonds, yes, I’m beginning to see reality, and I hate it. Wish I could a rebel once more, surrounded by ‘friends’, a free out of control intellectual being donning the Black n White uniform, the one that made reality shrink into nothingness before its power. Wish I was in Loyola forever…

to SMACK or not to…

Okay. That’s it. I mean This is it.

For all those arse-holes who criticize every shit I cook up and for all the Sons n Daughters of bitches(and god knows what…) who I have so sadistically disturbed( n annoyed till the toe hair) frequently in definite time periods with my blog posts… this would be a kinda ‘relief’ post.

‘Cause this time, only this fuckin’ single time, I’m giving the option to you. The Red Button. The ball, finally in your fuckin’ court! So before you start to stroke yourself over it, My sincere apologies to the good (for nothing) followers of my posts. I know I’m good, but then, you know the pressures of daily life.

Here’s here’s the decider poll for you all sad brainblenders…

*CONDITIONS APPLY

*I Guarantee the outcome of this blog poll to be taken dead serious, if the following conditions are met.

• i should get VOTES!!! no. of votes per week should exceed 100.(try clicking more than once…)

• No calls, threats and sketch jobs due to quotations are invited.

• All regardless of sex, religion, cast, following, should vote.Even stupid girls should vote.

***

If any one of this conditions are not satisfied, I’ll just …well… continue my ULTIMATE ANARCHY in this public platform. So decide..

So long suckers!!

READ!!

I may sound a lil desp at the moment for some, but then I don’t give a fuck either!

My 18th V-day was a waste of precious time. Or maybe something did happen so important in my life… but then it’s totally irrelevant at this moment by the way things stand. Yeah RT is back… and she is really mad… at me. after some 4-5 hours with me in proximity, all I got was frequent dangerous stares, and two or three rude single word replies…

Lucky me… no?

Yeah yeah… I know, “oh damn! don’t start off with that again… I’ve been hearing it for a year now”, but then whatever you say, I am about to justify my stand, and I will too. Did I mention the part where she called me up and “threatened” me, and forced me to discontinue my writing. (That was utmost dumb, now that it on the page, even if anything happens, I can clearly point out at someone…) But then, then it was decency, that’s why the character RT took a break from the First person Stories. But then withall that, I learned a thing. Girls can be real selfish at times. And they don’t usually daw a line between “pampering” love and unconditional love. Well, fuck! leave it… Why the fuck am I starting it again. But then she could have at least looked at me as if she knew me, just remotely, as if ‘I’ve seen that chap somewhere’ type. Even with too much problems lately, keeping my decency so that she won’t feel like that, that was the stupid thing I did. Could have asked her face to face, but then fuck! leave it. I am a dude typing shit over the net to woo a friend back. Yeah, in a really stupid position now. Laugh laugh… laugh till your balls fall off!!

Why does even remotely think that I am after her? Well, come on… don’t blame my writing. Yeah, well kinda it was my mistake, elevating some girl who lives on the other side of the city, from a beautiful kind villagewaali-jeysi ladki to some higher being I hate right now. From what it was then, to what it is now, my perception of a good girl never changed… girls changed though.

I hate to be in a fuckin position where I fall off the edge. And I hate being hated.., that too for at one prick of time attaching myself emotionally to the subject! What a fuckin concept! How can I ever treat every good looking intelligent girl as my sister?? What do these girls think of themselves? priced posessions ulla ahangaram? That goes to some of the Kottayam girls as well. When I get interested in any one of you, I’ll notify it ASAP, even if its by mail, or by phone. Till then, please for-fuckin-hell’s-sake, just remove the notion from your fucked up heads that you are all angels n shit, n this poor me is after you all. Go get a fuckin life!!

And for all those bitch-babes who think getting a ’sister’ position from me, so that they can very well avoid the assumed potential danger, forget it. Being my sister is one of the hardest jobs in the world. My dear sisters know it. And however you try you all won’t even qualify for my sister’s sandal heel position. It’s just so because, my behnas are the most special people in the world for me. So don’t even fucking think about getting there and ruining a rather high benchmark. You people are too primitive to even take the first step, so forget getting there…

Did I mention that when I paint or sketch, the end product only goes to the most special ones, if one never reached you, then it’s likely I’ll forget your name the very next day, and if you already have one, better make sure you get a continual series… ’cause if you aren’t, it’s all your fault…

The fact is that…

… I am not in a craze of making friends. Qualiy, not quantity.  My dear ones, who ‘know’ me, are  still with me, and they’ll be there sempiternally, so just don’t get worried about my ’social image’…and…

… You see… at the end of the day, I know what I want, and I know what I am. I’m just THAT DAMN Good. And the best part is, I’m fully aware of it too.

Now Playing:  “Oh My Friend…” [Mickey J Meyer, Happy Days(2007), Malayalam & Telugu]

Holy f^ck!

Yeah! My life’s totally fucked up right now. I don’t know what I’m doing right now. Just typing off shit like no tomorrow.

So sex deprived, and so confused, searching for that purpose in life, but I still can’t get my godmn fucking ass to settle somewhere and start studying. Holy Fuckeroonie!! I cut my class today. Felt like bunking, so I took a train back home. This is too shitty!. I feel like I’ll explode in this shithole! Fuck me! Spank my ass!

Ohkay…may be I’m a little over, or maybe its the drugs that was meant for the viral fever that’s kicking in….but I don’t feel like doing any fuck with my life anymore. I don’t drink, nor smoke, but still feel as miserable as fucking smoking drunkard…with no purpose, nothing satisfying nor completing my inner self. All I now have is a feeling of extreme loneliness…Yeah! I am fucking 19…still girl-deprived…Fuck me!

This fuckin insecurity is eating me. Oh! fuck! Why is this so much pain. I don’t know who I am, why I am, what I am! Damn it! it’s the fault of the chinhuahua!!

Somebody help me! I need a freaking counselor. Or else I’ll kick your sorry ass into the deep hollows of the oblivion. Oblige with all the rules I put before you before I come and give you that sorry night you wished that never came. I am not in control of myself right now! As it is already obvious to you. The lack of purpose has led me to such a fuckin state where everything feels so shitty that I can’t even satisfy myself by fucking myself!

Look at me! Look how far I have gone down. Sunk into nothingness! Who is to blame? tell me…WHO IS TO?

Life was way less complicated in school. I never wanted any of this. There’s records to be completed. Notes to be finished, lots n lots of stuff left to study, and when I wake up every morning, I feel there’s no purpose? Who is in the gaining circle? I don’t want to dance myself to fame anymore. I hate attention right now! Fuck!

All I do right now is just to make sure I survive to see a tomorrow. But taking that into consideration, I ask myself, is it worth it?

In Memorial

Epitaph:

“Aloha everyone! my love is dead!

I’m happy, You still look exactly the same.

But dear, You were never for me to tame!

Fallen to my Blue Screen of Death she was…

Never did she realize the love I had.

So Die Die Die!! Hastalavista, baby.“

So this article is in memory of my (once upon a time)favourite girls, my ex-girlfriends. Let me be honest with you people on this one. You can’t actually call them ex-girlfriends. I’ll tell you the reasons too. The whole point of me writing this down is of 2 to 3 to several reasons:

• None of them ever told me they love me.
• All of em (almost all) have told they hate me.
• One even threatened she would sent a quotation team to sketch me.
• I have a habit of forgetting unimportant people in my life.
• I would have recalled them, but they are too unimportant.
• I have turned psycho, got a negative number of hugs n kisses.
• And above all that, I am living my goddamn 19th year of my existence, and am still a fuckin virgin!

So, before I forget them, let me type it down. Fancy me! I’ve already forgotten their names!

OK, lets start. So, there was me in the beginning, then 3 girls came into my life. Okay, I admit. Even though I’m pretty sure its three, I can only remember two of them. That too barely!

Lets start with the second girl. I was 16. We were at the same tuitions. I was in the 10th grade. She was one of girls my sweet Rakhi sis used to hang out with. And I fancied her. Kinda. Well, after seeing her wear shades of Orange almost every day, we used to call her..ahem…Orangie!! I know its a stupid name, but who gives a fuck? Oh damn, I forgot a lot of detail, but then, enter her big bro, mafia style big bro, one day I got enough courage to ring her up, but to my dismay, and fear, that guy picked up the phone. Yeah, I gulped a lotta stuff that day, and had to assume the role of a bakery salesman who had actually phoned the wrong house. Then there were two of my best friends after her. So Line CUT CUT. End of Story.

Then enter the seductive dance queen. The Anushka Sharma of my life. But truly immature. The reason she broke up with me(Acc. to her, we were never joined actually…teehee!): Well, because the same filmy dialogue “I’ve never seen you in such a way, you are like a good friend, but not a…” played itself before me too. But I had high hopes. Still she needed a reason to keep me outta bay. She found that successfully in a character of my earlier blogs, and blamed that it was her. That was kinda sad, you see. I made that character up even before I met her, and way before we became kinda friends. And so we argued, she went hyper, started swearing at me one fine day, and so I closed the deal by displaying 20% of my vocabulary on her messenger screen. Last I heard of her was when she finally rang me one one fine day to ..ahem.. threaten me. “We aint related anymore, we never were! and I don’t want to see or hear my name anywhere on the net, understand? Okay” So…End of Story! Bye Bye.

Now lets reason it all out, lay it down on bed. And just point out what I gained n lost, in the whole melodramatic panoply of events…

• I lost my respect for the feminine kind. The only woman I respect now is my Mom.
• I screwed up my 10th board exams with a shitty 82%.
• Even though I managed to score a 90% in 12th boards, I screwed up all my engineering entrances, big time!
• I lost my blog popularity, since I thought stopping the writing would better the situations. That never happened.
• And so I am now in a college which never even featured in my nightmares.
• Due to the first point, I now have a bad-ass image all over college.
• It took me kinda like 6 months or so, from May last year, for me to recover from all this bullshit.
• I have learned to live for myself. I don’t smoke, nor drink. I just want to live now, just for myself, not for any shitty girl, just for me.
• I have learned not to trust anyone, especially Cunt-carriers!
• Now since I’m back, mastered all the courage, and not directly addressing any bitch by name, and as I have published this, I don’t care about the consequences. To think of it, What fuck more could happen?
• I got a lotta new pals.
• I love my unimportant self right now, since I don’t have to give a fuck about anyone!

So to end it. I just have to say a few things.

I am back. This time I am really really bad. I will reincarnate this site and restore this earlier glory, and make it way better. But I promise all the identities will be safe, and I would just start writing stories with some characters and my imagination-built incidents, and it would not have any resemblence to anything, or anyone living or dead. Even after all these idiotic disclaimers, if anyone comes in my way, Its a sure bet that not only will they find themselves revealing their true selves in the very next post, they will also find whatever they did(or whatever they plan on doing) being published in any place in this Web 2.0.

Hope that would be enough for ya idiotic minds. For sensible arseholes, here’s another one. I am extremely Not sorry for whatva part of this blog that offends you. Since I have stopped publisizing this page, you have a fucking choice. i.e. If you think its sickening you, Why the fuck do you bother to read this “retarding” shit!? There’s always the address bar or the ‘Close tab’ button. So Fucktardy!

So, I just hope this new year, a nice one, with fewer foolish fucktards to add a psychopath like me to their ‘People to splatter before I die’ list. And more important people to add to my list. All depends on the success of this blog. Cooperate and reap the returns!

Happy 2009!!

Caio.