So, another tag from the WDM man Sriram. I have nothing to give you except this post in return.
And also the fact that this is a Tag, and anyone who feels they just got Tagged, got tagged! Leave a comment, and try this tag! For once, do something of your own with that lazy butt of yours!!
This one was the first ever to make me think like more than 5 seconds before I post anything. So, I am to remind that whatever I write now may only be applicable to the very exact point in the timestream, which is to be somewhere in the middle of the next sentence, that ends with an exclamation.
SO Why afterall?? Why do I face all those criticism everytime I post something sensitive or all those ear candy when I post Crap, and at the end of it, come back to post more?? Why do I blog?? WHY? KYUN??
Well, here goes nothing…
One of my major reasons(read: excuses), when I started out on a Winter night two years ago, was just how to utilize my time to do something that makes me happy. Somehow, I find it while writing this down too! But then that was two long years ago. I was an 8 point someone then and a 16 year old, and all I cared about was how to overthrow my fellow neighbour, keeping myself going, just one lil step ahead of him. I did so, but it just really justify my cause. I don’t know what I’m trying to put across through that above statement. It just came to my mind, and so I typed it to see how good it would look onscreen.
Then I realized, mind you… only for a three month span, that Blogging actually could be a tool where I can publish my artwork. But Artery seemed too far an option. I was too lazy to first sketch, then scan, upload, etc, etc, etc… It felt so like a Herculean one, so that idea went straight to the basket.
Then happened something that changed my blogging forever. I only used to post like 1 per month, one of the reasons being my hectic IIT preparatory schedule, so you can see there was serious lack of that Blogger butt on my back so that I can get myself seated on this rusty maroon PC chair of mine. But then she came. And when she came, she came like a storm! I just went nuts. Still figuring if it was Love, lust or just High school drama, but then I felt really good each and every time I sat in that IIT class, she was just inches away… 😐 So, my first post after that went like Platinum Jubilee w.r.t my previous ones. I got some new readers, a few hundred visits, and I felt I finally made it.
But I have this kutti kutti problem. My posts are based on my emotions, not on my rhetoric skills or my common sense. Both my parents were experienced teachers, they lectured batches and batches of bright young talent in two well renowned colleges in Trivandrum. But then there was me, this chap who kinda couldn’t even drag himself in front of even 5 people. Call it stage-fear or anything, But when anyone was looking me in the eye, and when I felt like the centre of the universe, my tongue paralyzed. That’s the time, I felt I never should have been born with an adrenaline gland in me. It fucking killed me in front of everyone. Growing up with the 50 best in the city was hard. You found good friends, but not a best friend in any of them. Expressing oneself proved to be impossible in itself. Everyone wanted to hear the guy who was a lil better than them in oratory. Trashing one’s self esteem was the way to go. Expression found no space in that cosmos. May be it’s the Loyola way, many seniors have told me that such an environment, surrounded by the best of the best, made them the best wherever they went after schooling. So, I’ll hope the same too. So my point is that, growing in such an environment, I really, very badly wanted to vent my feelings, my opinions, my emotions. And this is the best way so far. Blogging.
But then sometimes you hardly even know what’ll happen next. After a failed relationship, A heartbreak, I felt like the biggest loser in the world. Some say it is my fault. Maybe I wrote a lil too much. But it happens na. I didn’t kill anyone no? Well, who cares now!!! If anyone truly understood me, then all this never would have happened. I was the kind of guy who started to control my apex emotions at a young age. I knew that if I ain’t gonna control it, No one’s safe, including me.
But then that incident took me like Katrina in the US. I fell, for the first time, in some 13 years. It was rage, anger, frustration, and it sure made my posts way longer, filled with enough language. That was my career peak, I would say. You know how girls are, without their daily dose of spam, trash, n gossip, they can’t even breathe. But then they don’t comment in your blog posts too. 60 hits in 5 days, 55 hits in 3 days, those numbers went like crazy. But then seldom did any one of them think about how the author felt. It was just pure entertainment for them. So I stopped.
My best ever posts were undoubtedly the Black n White series. They were a hit, and still are, in a respective way of course! I made it into one of the Loyolites.com‘s Newsletters…and voila! it was kinda like, elevation of blogger status. Come on, 303 hits a day!!! That was kinda lil too much. Atleast for me. But then you know how I am. I am a lil insane, so I post crap in between. It simply spoils the whole effect. 😐 …But then that’s NSJ for you. I just draw insatiable sadistic pleasure from the smallest of things, and this is kinda a ‘Medium-Large’ for me…! 😛
I know blogging ain’t only about hits n stuff. But then it is a sure part, a small part though. The best part about blogging is that, well… 😀 now you might have figured out. I am kinda like too “you know what” to express that. And so I ask myself, why do I blog after all? Kyun??