DISCLAIMER: This post has nothing to do with anything or anyone living or dead, or living as dead. This post is just another fictitious addition to my FPS Storyline. And so it definitly does NOT give anyone the right to do on doing dip-shit stuff on its behalf.
When we reach those last days at school, we kinda get that feeling of, well, of almost everything, it’ hard to explain, but still. Life turned out to be totally unexpected after that. Well, atleast that’s what happened to us, two friends, RT and me, drifted apart by situations, and even some things I write down here too. But then I don’t know why she still doesn’t talk to me, or even approach me. Is there ego in the equation or whatever I did was so bad that she couldn’t comprehend? I don’t blame anyone. One decides his fate unknowingly. But I never ever expected a girl like her in my life in the first place.
Well, to be frank, my school life was spend in a boys school, one of the best of its kind, and maybe that can be reason, but I was never comfy with talking to a girl in a public place, when I was young. But then as one gets mature, or in the process of it, atleast, there comes a time when one has to. And apart from my dear sisters, the other girl in my life was her. Now, I don’t know why something nice written of her, she can’t take it as a complement. Friends may call it my selection, but then it was pure fate. I wanted to be her friend, from the first day itself, when I first saw her. There’s this thing that most girls think that they know what a guy is thinking when he stares at her for more than a minute. But then it ain’t always so. Friendship and intimacy apart, I enjoyed her company, atleast the brief real life and the long chat sessions. But then like her, I also have a temper the size of Alabama. I don’t know about her, if she ever noticed or so, but eventually, I grew up, these past two years, till before whatever unfortunate things chanced, thinking she was the goddess, the ultimate personification of whatever aestheticaly calming to me that life has to offer. I don’t blame her. But her conversations with me, I felt so. Now I am a guy, so it was natural. But I still don’t get it. It’s the common question a guy asks himself very often. That I ask now. “What went wrong? What did I do Wrong? Everything was going very well, one brief moment, and the next, Kallas! Finished!! What was the loophole?? What was the bug in the whole thing?” My mind, my conscience, it still asks this question every night I go to bed. But then Why should I care, finally, at the end of it?
Maybe I was a little arrogant to have such a sweet girl as my friend. Maybe I took some things that I got as granted. I know I have faults in my side, but then who is perfect in this sad shitty world of ours? It’s plain easy to say “I don’t care, Go to Hell” and stuff like that. I have said that many a times to satisfy my National Highway like ego, but then it finally gave me nothing but the realisation of the fact that I have lost whatever I gained over many years. It’s real easy to give up a relationship, or so I’ve heard. But it is not for me. It was never, it is not now, and It shall not be either. The complexity of a relationship with a girl was thought to be simple at first, but then it was of late that I relaised it wasn’t. There’s are too many faces to it, and has more dimensions that what a normal human brain can comprehend. Shit! what the heck am I talking. Anyways, my point is, Intimacy, or even a relation between close friends can be taken in a lot of senses. It can be viewed in multiple angles like a feature-rich DVD, and anyone can say anything. But then it is the people in the relationship who have to trust each other, or atleast believe. One is not superior than the other, neither perfect. It’s through mistakes that we learn. And we learn a lot through that. But that doesn’t mean that one thing can end it all. Does it?
But then I still don’t get it. I try to forget the past, but everytie it hits back, and it hits back real hard. It’s just that there are too any questions that I try to find answers in myself everyday…Why do I remember her every word that she never intended me to remember. Why didn’t I get the peace of mind when she had problems with certain stuff. Why did I care for her, and pray for her at times? Why do I still do that? Why do I still get that gut feeling when someone mentions her name? Why do I get myself informed of everything that happens in her college, and why do I feel sorry for her at times when I hear her present status, and why do I wish I was there for her, atleast as a friend atleast, or atleast someone who she can talk to, out of the box, atleast? And why do I clinch my teeth when I overhear someone saying stuff about her which I despise? Why do I still consider her as my intimate friend, one to whom I could resort to at times and become a Happy Noodle Boy again? Why?