Knightfall

It is to be understood that this is not meant to be read. It’s just my feeling, and me as a whole, just trying to move on. I have no one else in this world as close as this for its patience to hear everything I have to say. vending my feelings and sharing it with my close friend, my blog, is just because I can find sleep in atleast some of the sleepless nights.
***

My life changed a lot in the past 12 months. I just don’t know what happened, but then I don’t think the transistion went well. Now I’m stuck in this penumbra of nothingness, trying to attain the halcyon condition I had been 365.25 days ago.

lost

Apart from the 50-something pals at school, who I miss a lot, I had some friends who were kinda close, as it was safe for me to point them out as my ‘very good friends’. But then I was too dumb then, acted on impulse rather than intuition. And I routed this blog to a whole new level. I was writing fiction from the very beginning, from 2006 onwards. But that were posts everyone related too, and so was thought to be real. Then like every average teenager, girls came and went, and one such stuck with me, as my dear friend.

That time I was writing about a girl I used to admire in Maths classes. It was pretty obvious to everyone that I was writing my mind off, rather than constructing fiction, a way to attain attention, as sex, girls, love, and words like fuck, shit, cunt all make people hold on to the posts for a little long.

That time it was all about the hits, the no. I was getting per day on this page. I closely related my life to this blg, and slowly without realising the gravity of it, lost myself to it. But I never mentioned anyone’s name in the blog, and it was written as a first person narrative.

I was never a ladies man. Neither is now. I just had 1 friend, and thats it. But just because I wrote all that up, many people, everyone who had the slightest of intentions to play with me, got into the driving seat, to point out who I was writing about, It was their one and only guess, as there weren’t much options on that. A dude with a friend, who is loathed about by others, then that dude writes something up in a blog about a girl, then you knows where it all points out.

People say shit most of the time. I’ve grown up hearing shit from everywhere except in my family. An inferiority complex built up carefully and slowly by the years, but was wearing off with her help. Even if she didn’t talk much, her brief company was ebough for me to feel that I was someone. But then little did I know the blog was to be read by every single motherfuckin sons of bitches! I thought it would just exist something as unimportant as my life till then.

Surrounded by gossips from a very young age, I started to ignore them, and just nod to every thing directed at me. That usually worked, as it soon died out. But this one only got worse, and honestly, I didn’t see it coming. If I knew the outcome then I wouldn’t have been writing in this page since last year.

I always blamed myself for all this, my plethoric ego playing over me. And after a year, it never died out. I still can’t get over myself. This is one permanent dent in my life, and on my self esteem, which is close to nil now.

I used to love me, loath myself… but now at times, I feel disgust for my being. Yeah, Its easy for everyone to say “Get over it, move on”, et cætera, et cætera, but then loss is just too much It was a big price I had to pay.

Honour is something I lost in front of her. The only thing I ever had as mine. Honour. Now I don’t. Now whatever I did after that is another story. Losing a friend just like that, is more painful that angering. I cried, yes, I did, alot. But then How could I ever express that outside, so I vent it all out through Anger, somethingthat was like a beast in me. My bane, my temper, it released like hell, rained on my blogposts, making matters only worse. And I always wished for a panacea for everything. But then I broke the threshold, her trust, and her friendship, and my honour.

Now everything I do is taken either as my inability to move on, or my move to attract attention and get famous, or just my fucking attitude problem. But then, has anyone ever cared to find out how I have felt. I am also a human being in full, with feelings and insecurities. I was never the better one. I always tried. I still try. But then she hates me. I may have changed her status by all this, but she was in the good light, is still now, and is still loved by all in the same way she was then. But then I cannot heal her wound, and every new thing is taken as another cut infected by me on that same wound. And I have lost my right to ask for forgiveness.

Yes, it’s been a year. I lost my self, my ability to form new friendships, my will over my body(lost about 10 kilos, and gained nothing), and my piece of mind. A feeling of how I suck more today builds up every new morning. I have lost it. That very blow to my friendship cost me the whole world, my whole world…

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10 Responses to “Knightfall”

  1. n i t i n Says:

    kannullavan kanninte vila ariyiarilla… ini ariyugayum illa…

  2. Adam Says:

    [i]I lost my self, my ability to form new friendships, my will over my body(lost about 10 kilos, and gained nothing), and my piece of mind.[/i]

    perfectly said!

    its difficult when the person u trust the single most goes away from ur life….leaving behind the wounds! it takes a lot of time to heal..time cures everything! its even difficult to get her back as your friend! even that didnt help as in my experience! its all about the trust u built ..it takes a lot of time to build it ..but only a few seconds to destroy it…and its difficult to get a second chance unless u r really lucky!

    and my advice would be

    “Remember-its not so much the people who make u angry as ur thoughts about them..whatever thoughts are causing you pain, they are only thoughts.you can definitely change a thought!”

  3. n i t i n Says:

    @Adam

    Thanks ad…

    hmm…

    And my drinking days are over before it actually began! Fuck!
    Got the nerve to get myself a .5l Warsteiner. It had Bier Bier written all over it. I couldn’t even finish the first 100ml! It sucked like fucking hell. To Hell with the Germans!!! Puke and the rest 400ml down my Toilet trap. Flush!

    Thats it. Back to red wine, and red wine only!!

  4. Narendran Rabid squirrel Says:

    touchy….sniff….real touchy

  5. n i t i n Says:

    hmm…

    really?
    well, read it again. This time fully.

  6. adam Says:

    what exactly do u want from her now?

  7. vipin Says:

    guud qn adam!
    . . .para nitine! 😛

  8. n i t i n Says:

    @Narendran

    Thanks for reading bro, and commenting…

  9. n i t i n Says:

    @Vipin & Adam

    :mrgreen:

    Yes. A question which you thought would solve all the problems in the answers to come.

    From the beginning onwards, it was about her, not me. Yet eventually it became about me. It was all about me, how sad I would get. How happy I am, etc etc,

    Now all I want is her happiness. Now you may advocate on why I’m blogging like this then. But then I also I want to her to be Happy with me as someone she met along the way, like a brief periodic friend, just before it went out-of-hand. I want her to believe that there’s something that made her happy before she started sulk a lot about a guy after her. I want a brief smile on her face, the next time she sees me.

    I fuckin done with being quiet. Nothing happened from Nov to Jan I had started writing neutrally that time,but I realized something when I met her, she was ignoring me completely. She didn’t even regard me as a stranger in the crowd. I was, for her then, physically not even present there.

    She’s an intelligent girl, mature enough to take decisions on her own. Why should I tell her what to do? I never was the one to start a friendship, nor finish it on a silly fight. She took the decisions. I never wanted to voice anything, And that one time I did, started all this.

    So what do you want me to do now?


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